A Rogue Nazgul
by BaronCat40
Summary: A Nazgul goes rogue and slightly berserk. A strange alliance makes things all the more ridiculous. Said strange alliance does not exist. I'm bad at summaries, but please read anyway!
1. Chapter 1

**This takes place shortly after Weathertop. It does not follow the original story!**

**Chapter 28592759834572098475234985*0+1- Many meetings (we only care about two)**

**The first meeting: **

A fly flew by a frog. The frog ate it. The end.

**The second meeting:**

Sauron's point of view:

[insert your favorite dream here]

I was jarred out of my lovely dream by Khamûl, the (now) first in command (Witch-king had a minor incident involving a man and a torch, and needed a few hundred years to recuperate) slithering into my throne room wearing his epically epic black robes. I could tell he had some really bad news, as it was not typical of him to hide behind specks of dust.

"Khamûl, I can see you."

He gasped, and I distinctly heard the words "not" and "again" screeched out as his robes fell to the floor. He'd been having trouble keeping a physical form lately. Something to do with my wrath being directed at him instead of Witch-King.

The now formless Nazgûl began to speak.

"Master, do we have to have black robes? We could use a much more wholesome color like, pink, or-"

"Do you mean to say that you interrupted my torturous sleep for something as ridiculous as PINK ROBES!"

"I don't mean to say that! I just did it!"

"GET OUT! NOW!"

"M-m-master? We had a bit of a problem in the torture chamber. Apparently the Shire…Baggins we caught died, and that Gollum thing escaped again."

"WHY ARE YOU STANDING HERE! GO OUT AND GET ME A NEW SHIRE…BAGGINS AND FIND THAT GOLLUM THING AND BRING HIM BACK HERE RIGHT NOW!"

He left…useless idiot.

**Khamûl POV:**

I survived that incident without (literally)losing my head. I did leave my robes in there. I'll get new ones.

A blast of flame and Black Cursing is heard issuing from behind throne room door.

Definitely some new robes. And Master wants a new Shire…Baggins. How many times have a told him that they don't grow on trees? At least, we _think_ they don't grow on trees. We've taken and tourtured every life-form that could possibly be a Baggins in the Shire, and now he wants us to look in Baggins for a Shire! Telling him that the orcs ate the Baggins was not fun, not fun at all. Especially that part where I came in and entrails were _already_ on the floor.

I gave Master a rock to torture, that should keep him busy for a while, unless he can kill that too. Now I have to find that Gollum Creature. I'm told that he says his own name a lot, but nobody knows what he looks like because he killed all the orcs that tried to chase him (Meaning half the army; we still don't know how he managed that).

**12.568 years later…**

I can hear this Gollum thing. It's getting closer, and closer, and closer.

(loud gasp is heard as Gollum and Khamûl see each other)

"Awww! It's so tiny, and clammy, and cute! I could just eat it, if I had a mouth!"

Oops! Did I say that out loud?

It was talking, "Curses and beboundels them! We hates them! Yes, precious, we HATES them! Gollum! 'Ollum!"

**Please review!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Thanks to Queen Zenyatta and Guest for reviewing!**

**Khamûl POV:**

After the Gollum made it's short speech, it scampered off into the woods. I chased after it until a strange unseen voice sounded, "Warning. You are now exiting the Realm of Evil. If you continue, your warranty will be voided."

Just after that voice sounded, I heard a voice floating over the mountains (don't ask me how a voice travels over 100 miles; I don't know), "If a Nazgûl were to find us here, he'd kill you, incinerate me, and take the ring for his own!" Probably nothing important. I think I'll stay in the Realm of Evil. That last time a Nazgûl voided his warranty, he ended up on fire.

**3 months later. **

I don't believe it. Somehow, Master managed to kill his rock. He also corrupted a wizard, which made him an army of "big honkin' Uriks O' doom" (the term courtesy of Grishnakh). I think I'll give master an undead solider to torture this time. He defiantly can't kill something that's undead! While he's in a good mood, I'll see if I can get those pink robes I've always wanted.

**2 minutes later…**

"NO PINK ROBES!"

It was worth a try. I really wish I could put out these robes. Fire hurts. A lot.

**1 hour later:**

After seeing me burning, Grishnakh came up and dumped a bucket of water on me. I seem to have dissolved. As a result, I was unable to participate in the Urik-Hai practice battle today. Master's not to happy with me. I told him to try dissolving and see if he can hold a sword. He expressed his appreciation by evaporating me. That gave me my form back. I really don't know how.

**10 days later…**

Today master sent me down to the torture chambers to assist his "incompetent, good for nothing, orcs." I suggested he squeeze his stress entrail. I now have said entrail wrapped around my neck (how was I supposed to know he preferred stress skulls?).

The orcs seem to be having minor issues torturing the undead solider. You see, his creepy laugh freaks them out. You'd think that beings that can fight over a Nazgûl's shriek could bear creepy laughter.

**1 second later**

Said beings _cannot_ fight over a Nazgûl's shriek.

**14 hours later…**

This is not funny. At all. Apparently, torture instruments just go straight through undead solders. We've tried sneaking up on him, ramming him with a sword (that's how the twitching orc carcass got pinned to the wall), and attempting to inhale him. That last bit did not go well. Eventually, we just let it go into the wild. I'm not looking forward to telling Master about that.

**Please review!**


	3. Chapter 3

**Thanks to Guest and DarylDixon'sgirl1985 for reviewing! There is now a cover picture. It's Kam****û****l in his pink robes. I don't own the base picture, I just took a picture of a Nazgûl off the internet and used a photo editing program to tint the robes pink. If you can do a better job, please do. **

**Khamûl POV:**

I just told Master about that minor incident with the undead soldier. I have to date the Gollum now, and pretend that I'm female. At least I get to wear pink robes (finally)! Master told me the rocks are not Shire…Bagginses. This time, I took a rock, wrote "Shire…Baggins" on it, and gave it to Master. He's torturing that now.

**6 months later and under the Misty Mountains cold…**

I really wish the Gollum would pick a drier place to eat. All this water is making me really on edge. I haven't dissolved yet, but I have to hide behind rocks whenever the Gollum starts fishing again. The part where he bangs the fish on rocks is especially terrifying.

**3 days later**

I finally introduced myself to Gollum. He said we can have a date after he gets his precious back. I told him we have to have one soon or Master will kill me. He said too bad. I almost stabbed him. He said we can have a date soon.

**5 hours later**

The Gollum got an orc to eat. I had some too. Orcs taste pretty good. Actually, this whole cave's not too bad. There's no romantic candlelight or anything, but the cave has its own quant charm. Except for the water. OH CRAP! THERE'S WATER HITTING ME! HELP!

**1 hour later**

The Gollum finally got tired of chasing me with a dead fish. A wet dead fish, mind you. I am now missing 3 ribs, 2 lungs, an arm, and all my toes. I sent a message through the mountain goblins, and Grishnakh said he won't tell Sauron. Grishnakh's also sending Naxgûl 3 to sort out the goblins and make them let me evaporate myself.

**The next chapter might finally have Khamûl go rogue. Please review!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Thanks to DarylDixon'sgirl1985 for reviewing! Sorry I took so long; I had a lot of things going on the past month. I will try to update again within a week. **

**6 months later…**

Nazgûl 3 finally came and made the goblins evaporate me. He also told me that Master said that writing "Shire…Baggins" on a rock does _not _change the fact that it is a rock, and definitely does not make it a Shire…Baggins. I grabbed a goblin and wrote "Shire…Baggins" on his forehead. That should keep Master busy for a while.

**3 years later…**

The Gollum finally said we could have a date. He took out a block of stone called a "calendar" that was divided into squares with a number rune on each one. He broke out one square, and broke it in half, and handed one half to me. Apparently each square is a date. This is going to take a lot of explaining…

**1 year later…**

I have returned to Mordor in failure. Of course, the first thing Master said when he saw me was something about the fact that writing "Shire…Baggins" on the forehead of a goblin does _not_ make that goblin a Shire…Baggins (apparently Shire…Baginses are now also invincible; the goblin died). I suppose I'll have to keep trying. On the other hand, he said he doesn't care about the Gollum anymore. Apparently, he just made that up to keep me busy, and the Gollum has already served his purpose. It makes a nice welcome, you know. Being told that you need to find yet another Shire…Baggins, and then being told that you just wasted 4 years of your (admittedly infinitely long) life. It's thinks like these that make me feel like running away.

**Please review!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Thanks to ElvishJedi1 for reviewing!**

**Khamûl's point of view:**

"KHAMÛL! GET IN HERE NOW!"

I was interrupted from my most interesting pastime of counting the cracks on the wall (The problem is I can never keep my place because another 30 or 40 appear each time Master yells). Having no other choice, I went inside the Eye Room. There was just one problem. Master was missing.

"MASTER! MASTER! WHERE ARE YOU? I NEED YOU! SOMEBODY HELP ME!"

I broke down crying until I realized that, with Master missing, _I_ was in charge.

"MASTER'S GONE! LET'S HAVE A PARTY!"

Then I looked at the front of the room. Master was there, but he had a body! He was also holding some hobbit up by its hair and he had a golden ring in his hand. A low rumbling shook the room and I realized it was Master's voice.

"Khamûl, do you know what these are?"

"A hobbit and a golden ri- Master, you're getting married! I didn't know you were-"

The loudest shout I had ever heard in my life then crashed upon my ears:

"SILENCE! YOU MORONIC MORON! YOU INSOLENT IMBECILE! THIS IS MY RING OF POWER AND THIS IS THE HOBBIT WHO WAS STUPID ENOUGH TO BE FOUND WITH IT! I COULD GET AN ORC TO TELL ME THAT AND YOU CAN'T EVEN TAKE A GOOD GUESS! WHERE'S WITCH-KING WHEN I NEED HIM!"

"Master, I _told_ you that Witch-King was hit in the face by a flaming…by a flaming…opps"

"TO UTUMNO WITH AN ORC, A CAVE TROLL IS SMARTER THAN YOU ARE! I ASKED A RHETORICAL QUESTION YOU MORON! RHETORICAL QUESTIONS _ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE ANSWERED!_"

"Sorry MASter. I'll just go…go…go now." (Did my voice really have to crack right _then_?)

I checked the wall cracks later, and the Shout of '94 made 92, not a record but very close to the record holder, the Screech of '23 (102 cracks). After this, I'm seriously considering running away.

**Sauron's point of view**

"KHAMÛL! GET IN HERE NOW!"

After I shouted, Khamûl entered my throne room, looked around, and started panicking and shouting. Apparently, my Nazgûl are not capable of handling a slight change in my form. I decided to do my best rumble to get his attention.

"Khamûl, do you know what these are?"

THAT STUPID MORON! WHY IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS EVIL WOULD I GET MARRIED, LET ALONE TO A HOBBIT!

"SILENCE! YOU MORONIC MORON! YOU INSOLENT IMBECILE! THIS IS MY RING OF POWER AND THIS IS THE HOBBIT WHO WAS STUPID ENOUGH TO BE FOUND WITH IT! I COULD GET AN ORC TO TELL ME THAT AND YOU CAN'T EVEN TAKE A GOOD GUESS! WHERE'S WITCH-KING WHEN I NEED HIM!"

"Master, I _told_ you that Witch-King was hit in the face by a flaming…by a flaming…opps"

He really is stupid. I wish I had someone that I could blame his murder on, but I'm the only one that can kill them.

"TO UTUMNO WITH AN ORC, A CAVE TROLL IS SMARTER THAN YOU ARE! I ASKED A RHETORICAL QUESTION YOU MORON! RHETORICAL QUESTIONS _ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE ANSWERED!_"

He left. Sometimes I wish he would run away. He even managed to get the cleaning and repair orcs on my back. Something about if this shouting keeps up, I won't have a tower to shout in.

**Please review! Khamûl will run away in the next chapter, and I'll be taking suggestions for where he should go in reviews. **


	6. Chapter 6

**Thanks to absolutely nobody for reviewing!**

"KHAMÛL! GET HERE NOW!"

Master seems to be about to throw another temper tantrum. I entered the throne room (after noting an additional three cracks in the wall) and noticed something different.

"Master! You got your eye back"

I low grumbling met my comment.

"I did not 'get it back', it was taken from me! My precious ring! The Gollum snuck up behind me and hit me in the head with a rock! Then the Baggins took my ring, and the Gollum killed the Baggins and went swimming in a volcano with my ring!"

Master was whispering for some reason (a still very loud noise).

"Khamûl, will you go to the bottom of Mount Dumb" (Next to Mount Doom)" and get me my ring back? And please, don't tell the other Nazgûl. I know I haven't been the nicest to you, but if you get me my ring back, I'll give you whatever you want."

"Will you paint your tower pink?"

"Khamûl! Don't push it."

"Um…Master? One more thing? I might not tell the other Nazgûl, but those orcs that were listening might."

Several orcs ran out of the room, looking rather guilty. This was something new. Not only was Master being nice to be, he had been defeated by a Gollum with a rock of all things. A Gollum with a rock! I think Master is being impostered. I did the only thing a loyal Nazgûl could be expected to do: I stabbed the "Eye of Saruon" in the eye (where did you think I would stab it?).

"KHAMÛL! I TRY TO BE NICE TO YOU AND YOU THANK ME BY STICKING YOU MORGUL BLADE IN MY EYE!"

It's Master all right. I left.

**On the Top of Mount Dumb:**

I took out my LavaProof100 fishing rod and stuck it in the lava. I felt a bite and pulled it up. A LavaProof100 Gollum was on the line.

"…To catch a fish, so juicy sweeeeeeeet!"

The Gollum then threw a shiny object over the lava lake. I recognized the ring (Master didn't tell me the Gollum was not done swimming yet). I took a flying leap and caught it. A sudden idea occurred to me. I threw the ring as hard as I could at Mount Doom. It erupted. Another though occurred to me. I remembered I was connected to the ring. I waited for my body to start self-destructing, like I saw the other Nazgûl doing (exept witch-king, who had an encounter with "some crazy lady, a really short guy, and two swords" according to Nazgûl no. 4). I never self-destructed. I later learned that Master hated me enough to write me out of the list of entities tied to himself and his ring (how ironic).

I really liked the Shire when I went there before, on official business. I think I'll go there again.

**Please review!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Thanks to paigeandtiger for reviewing!**

For many days and nights I wandered Middle Earth… I'm starting to sound like Gandalf. I wish he were here. A nice, loud explosion would be just the thing to cheer me up, but that's beside the point. I finally reached the Shire! I decided to live in the Baggins part of the Shire, because all the Bagginses have been removed. Unfortunately, someone forgot to tell the orcs not to burn the hobbit holes down (how you burn down a hill of dirt is beyond me). I moved into an already occupied house. I hope the owners don't mind.

**1 minute later**:

The owners DO mind. They told me that "Mommy told us to tell strangers in our house to try over the hill or across the water." When I told them that water melts me, they got buckets of water and tried to melt me!

After wandering around the Shire for a while, I found Nazgûl no. 3. (Apparently he was responsible for the razing of Dul Guldor and was subsequently written out of the List). He told me to try a place called the "Green Dragon." I did, and the innkeeper (after through convincing with a Morgul blade that we were really decent Nazgûl) decided to allow us a month's board, free of charge. Actually, his replacement did. The original was too busy bemoaning the loss of his eyes.

**Please review!**


	8. Chapter 8: The Goodness of Nazgul

**Chapter 8: The Goodness of Nazgûl**

Apparently some idiot called "Sharkey" took over the Shire. On top of that, four hobbits just finished making a ruckus at the gates. When I tried to introduce myself, one of them yelled, "Hide Mr. Frodo! It's a Nazgûl!"

"It can't be Sam. They're all dead."

"Not me! Master wrote me out of the List! Don't worry though. I'm really a good guy. I promise! I'll help you kill the shark! Really! He's in Bag End. Nazgûl 3 got written out too! Come on! I'll take you to meet him!" My talking still sounds like hissing for some reason.

"Come Sam. We must go."

They went.

We went from house to house, breaking down doors, killing ruffians, and gathering hobbits. Before long, we had a huge army. A Pippen when down to a Tookland to gather some Tooks, while a Merry blew a horn over and over(1).

"I'll bet it was old Lotho Sackville-Baggins."

Baggins! A Baggins! Master will be so happy! Except, Master's dead. Darn.

In the morning, a second army of Hobbits was with us. Across the street there was an army of Ruffians. Nobody seemed to be doing anything, but the ruffians were coming closer. I stood up and shrieked "WHERE THERE'S A TROLL OR A NAZGÛL, THERE IS A WAY!"

Collective grumbling from the hobbits at being woken up at the early hour of 10 AM. As they came to their senses and saw the danger, they grabbed swords, knives, bows, branches, hoes, rakes, pitchforks, each other, and everything else that could possibly be used as a weapon. The ruffians got even closer. I decided something needed to be done. I shrieked again, "CHARGE! KILL THE SCARDEY-ORCS! CHARGE!" Nazgûl 3 and I started running, followed by the rest of the Hobbits (who did not understand shriekish, but figured there was some reason we were running). We realized we were running _away_ from the ruffians, turned around, and charged again. They fled. We charged. They fled. We charged. They fled. We charged. They stopped. We charged. We ran into them. They died.

A wizard came out of a nearby hobbit hole. He said something about how he could still kill us all. We wanted to kill him, but the Frodo wouldn't let us. I grabbed it and tried to stab it, but a loud voice was heard, "If you don't like my Hobbit, please don't damage him!"

Another wizard emerged from the hole and killed the first one. The Frodo said "Gandalf?!" and ran over.

"Frodo, what did I tell you about associating with Nazgûl?"

"They're evil and will try to kill me. But Gandalf, these are really good Nazgûl! They cleansed the Shire!"

"I don't care. In 15 years I will trust them if they have not yet killed you.

**Please review!**


	9. Chapter 9: Epilogue

**Epilogue: The Ending of the Story (what did you expect from an epilogue?)**

**15 years later (Khamûl's point of view)**

"I must say, that queer outsider's become quite respectable"

"Aye, yes Bert, yes he has."

"Even started smoking not long ago!"

"Aye, but he made a horrible shriek his first time. Stuck the pipe right in his eye, he did. Or where his eye would be, if he 'ad one."

"Broke all the glasses in the pub, if I remember right."

"Sent the customers running right out o t' place."

"Barkeeper went after 'im with sharpened pot. Nothing could scare him!"

"Funny thing was, pot went right through t' pink feller. Robes and all!"

I sighed (it came out like a dying cat. I'll have to work on that.). Those hobbits can never get anything right. The pot did not just "go through" me! It ripped my robes and it hurt! A lot! I decided to go and set those hobbits right. Nazgûl 3 (the hobbits all called him Bob) came with.

"Shrieeeeeeeeeeeeeeek! Shrieek hiss shriek shriek hisssss shriiiiieeeek!"

"Shriek shriek," Nazgûl 3 shrieked his agreement .

"He's gonna get me! Help!"

"Aw calm down. 'e won't 'urt you. I wonder where abouts he comes from."

"Probably out of one a them lockholes. I heard ol' Sharkey put lots of foul things down there."

"But 'owed 'e get to be so tall?"

"Probably been spending too much time with Masters Meriadoc and Pippen."

"Aye."

I shrieked in their faces and sat down. In the corner, an old wizard was laughing.

THE END (really).

**Please review! This is the end of the story (obviously). I'd have liked to run it longer, but I seem to have run out of ideas. I'll probably make another story called "The adventures of Khamul" in similar style but back in Mordor (it will not be a sequel). Thanks to the five of you who reviewed!**

**Note: The two hobbits in this part are loosely based on Ernest and Kenneth from All Creatures Great and Small (Chapter 31). I apologize for the horrible accents. **


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